I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
