Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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