I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize