You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
