My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
