maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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