I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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