I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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