it hurts more in the daytime
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
