I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
