That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize