What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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