I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
