she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Blood and glitter go together right?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
