Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
