So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
