could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
