I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
