I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
