her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
