I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
