Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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