Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
