All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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