Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
