I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
