I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
