She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
