I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
