My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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