I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
