if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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