who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
her facebook's as public as her vagina
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
