I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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