I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
