i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i drank out of a bidet.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm getting married
To pizza
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
