If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
