Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
