I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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