My first STD was from a foam party
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
