hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
