She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Randomize
