im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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