I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
