I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
