I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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