Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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