Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
