Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
