I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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