If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
