Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
