maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Randomize
