You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
