the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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