good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
