My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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