Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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