never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
